I’m back here with lots of thoughts. I’ve been kind of lost in my head these days. I’m a big dreamer. I’m always thinking; I always have ideas. But in all honesty, I haven’t liked to think much lately. Especially when that thinking involves myself, my life, my emotions, or my thoughts. Why? Because it has been a dark place recently.
If you know anything about me, you know that I love people and being around people. It is a rare occasion that I don’t want to be with people, but that is what has been happening more often lately. I have a lot of moments went I just don’t have the energy to be with people. I’d rather hide away. I don’t respond to texts or messages. Everything takes so much more effort. I don’t feel like I can be my “normal” self with people so I’d rather not be around them at all. Instead, I spend a lot of time sleeping.
On the other hand, sometimes I go to the opposite extreme. I attempt to fill my time with things to do. I like to work as much as possible because it keeps me distracted from my thoughts. I work on school. I spend time with friends and attend every event that I possible can. I spend way too much time scrolling through social media losing myself in other people’s “perfect lives,” not interacting with anyone. The “busyness” helps me to not think so much.
But I’m realizing that no matter what I do, I can’t stop myself from thinking entirely. I try to push it all down and move on with life, but it still creeps in. It effects my mood, attitude, and emotions. I am very frustrated and irritated all the time. I feel like crying so often and I can’t be entirely happy because my thoughts are still “there.” It effects my energy levels. I am constantly tired and would rather sleep than do anything productive. It also dictates whether I want to be around people or not.
What’s worse is the fact that I know it’s there. I know that my thoughts are dark. I know that it’s effecting everything. I know there are things that I need to address and process. There are things that I need to work out, but I don’t do that. I avoid anything involving having thoughts. This entire cycle makes me angry with myself.
To tell the truth, turning to God has been the last thought on my mind. I have distanced myself from him just like I have tried to do so with my thoughts. Thankfully, I can never truly distance myself from God. I try to though. Why? I know what I should do. Why do I not do that? I believe the answer may lie in the reality that I’ve never felt this broken. I’m a broken mess. I always have been. Everyone is a sinner and broken to God.
But I believe this is the first time that I’ve felt so deeply broken. To the point that I question God and his planning. How is he working? Can he fix this mess? Does he even want to fix this? Everything happens for a reason, but I’m not seeing any kind of point to all of this. God is good and he desires the best for us, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true.
Here’s what I’m learning though. God delights in us. We are a blessing to him. Is that not a crazy thought? That we are a blessing to God? There is so much talk about how God blesses us, but we are also able to bless the Lord. We are a blessing to him. Another aspect of God, he does deliver us from our struggles and suffering.
“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”
God does deliver us. He knows our mess and brokenness more than we know ourselves. Despite how deeply and fully he knows us, he still desires a relationship with us. He welcomes the mess and brokenness. He is near to the brokenhearted. He sees us. He hears us.
“As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!”
More so, God thinks of us. He wants us to bring everything to him. He truly wants us to live our best lives and we can’t do that without him. While we do not always understand God’s timing or plan, it is still good. It will always be good. Though we may doubt how something or other can be good, our definition of good is limited by our sinful human nature. That is not the case with God. God is perfect and so his definition of good is perfect.
Knowing this and believing this are two different things though. That’s something I’m working on. Trusting God with the mess and brokenness. God can and will deliver me. All I need to do is run to him and bring it all before him. I’m not too far gone.
Hoping to lighten your burden,