God Welcomes the Mess and Brokenness

I’m back here with lots of thoughts. I’ve been kind of lost in my head these days. I’m a big dreamer. I’m always thinking; I always have ideas. But in all honesty, I haven’t liked to think much lately. Especially when that thinking involves myself, my life, my emotions, or my thoughts. Why? Because it has been a dark place recently.

If you know anything about me, you know that I love people and being around people. It is a rare occasion that I don’t want to be with people, but that is what has been happening more often lately. I have a lot of moments went I just don’t have the energy to be with people. I’d rather hide away. I don’t respond to texts or messages. Everything takes so much more effort. I don’t feel like I can be my “normal” self with people so I’d rather not be around them at all. Instead, I spend a lot of time sleeping.

On the other hand, sometimes I go to the opposite extreme. I attempt to fill my time with things to do. I like to work as much as possible because it keeps me distracted from my thoughts. I work on school. I spend time with friends and attend every event that I possible can. I spend way too much time scrolling through social media losing myself in other people’s “perfect lives,” not interacting with anyone. The “busyness” helps me to not think so much.

But I’m realizing that no matter what I do, I can’t stop myself from thinking entirely. I try to push it all down and move on with life, but it still creeps in. It effects my mood, attitude, and emotions. I am very frustrated and irritated all the time. I feel like crying so often and I can’t be entirely happy because my thoughts are still “there.” It effects my energy levels. I am constantly tired and would rather sleep than do anything productive. It also dictates whether I want to be around people or not.

What’s worse is the fact that I know it’s there. I know that my thoughts are dark. I know that it’s effecting everything. I know there are things that I need to address and process. There are things that I need to work out, but I don’t do that. I avoid anything involving having thoughts. This entire cycle makes me angry with myself.

To tell the truth, turning to God has been the last thought on my mind. I have distanced myself from him just like I have tried to do so with my thoughts. Thankfully, I can never truly distance myself from God. I try to though. Why? I know what I should do. Why do I not do that? I believe the answer may lie in the reality that I’ve never felt this broken. I’m a broken mess. I always have been. Everyone is a sinner and broken to God.

But I believe this is the first time that I’ve felt so deeply broken. To the point that I question God and his planning. How is he working? Can he fix this mess? Does he even want to fix this? Everything happens for a reason, but I’m not seeing any kind of point to all of this. God is good and he desires the best for us, but sometimes I wonder if that’s true.

Here’s what I’m learning though. God delights in us. We are a blessing to him. Is that not a crazy thought? That we are a blessing to God? There is so much talk about how God blesses us, but we are also able to bless the Lord. We are a blessing to him. Another aspect of God, he does deliver us from our struggles and suffering.

“When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all.”

-Psalm 34:17-19

God does deliver us. He knows our mess and brokenness more than we know ourselves. Despite how deeply and fully he knows us, he still desires a relationship with us. He welcomes the mess and brokenness. He is near to the brokenhearted. He sees us. He hears us.

“As for me, I am poor and needy, but the Lord takes thought for me. You are my help and my deliverer; do not delay, O my God!”

-Psalm 40:17

More so, God thinks of us. He wants us to bring everything to him. He truly wants us to live our best lives and we can’t do that without him. While we do not always understand God’s timing or plan, it is still good. It will always be good. Though we may doubt how something or other can be good, our definition of good is limited by our sinful human nature. That is not the case with God. God is perfect and so his definition of good is perfect.

Knowing this and believing this are two different things though. That’s something I’m working on. Trusting God with the mess and brokenness. God can and will deliver me. All I need to do is run to him and bring it all before him. I’m not too far gone.

Hoping to lighten your burden,

Gabi

I’m a Sinner Too

these past few months have passed by so quickly. my time in taiwan is almost at an end. isn’t that crazy? i’ve been here for almost a year. in one way, it does feel like a year and even longer than that. in another way, it feels like i just got here.

if i’ve ever been absolutely certain of the fact that i’m changing, it would be now. i’ve been learning and growing a lot. more than i ever thought possible. what’s even more surprising to me is that i find that i have a desire to keep learning and growing.

i don’t want to stop going down this path. i want to keep walking/running down this road. i want to keep changing. i want to keep growing in my relationship with Christ. i want to know and understand more of who God is. at least, that’s how i’m thinking right now. but to be honest, i don’t always think this way.

sometimes i just want to give it all up. it’s too hard and overwhelming. i’m tired. all i see is my faults, my sins. i see how unworthy i am of God’s love. i don’t deserve a single ounce of it. i am a sinful human being. i’ve committed so many wrongs. over and over again i sin. sometimes, i just feel like a constant failure. i don’t think that i’ll ever be any better than i am right now.

let’s be honest here. life is not just what you see in those encouraging blog posts. it’s not the short, but uplifting, tweets you see on twitter. it’s not all those aesthetic pleasing photos with the perfect inspirational caption on instagram.

no. real life, sure, it can be like that sometimes. but all the time? no. real life is hard. there’s pain. there’s suffering. there are problems, issues. usually, i don’t see the reason why things are the way that they are. i don’t understand why i have to go through ______ or ______. to me, it seems pointless.

what can i do? i’m incapable of getting myself out of this rut. i’m stuck. does any of this really matter? does anything i do really make a difference? and this is what happens. sometimes, i can just see growth growth growth. other times, i’m all i can see is my ever-growing pile of wrongdoings. i go back and forth, from one extreme to another.

but that’s not how it should be. yes, i am a sinner. yes, i can not get out of this situation on my own. but this is where Jesus comes in. he paid the price for our sin. he took the consequence of our sin. that separation from God? that broken relationship we have with God? Jesus fixes that. he died to fix it. now, we have direct access to God.

we are broken, but he is whole. we are unable, but he is able. what’s even more important, he is willing. God is able and willing to save us. he wants a relationship with us. he loves us. though we fall over and over again, God continues to save us over and over again. he wants to deliver us, because he cares about us.

and that’s true grace. it is this that i can be encouraged by. i can find comfort in God because despite what i do, God wants to have a relationship with me. he will continue to pursue me no matter how often i fail.

isn’t that amazing? i can’t begin to comprehend why God would do this. i can’t understand why he would suffer so much for us. why does he love us? why does he even care about us?

but he does. he really does.

when i look at your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which you have set in place, what is man that you are mindful of him, and the son of man that you care for him?”

-psalm 8:3-4

hoping to lighten your burden,

gabi